Only a few Christmas holidays have passed over the many years without our daughter in it. She's 28 and working in Hawaii - too far to come home, quarantine, spend the holiday, and return to her own house and work life. Her father and I have been so cautious about distancing that we did not feel comfortable with her coming either. So, I made a stocking, filled it, packed boxes with gifts and spent time on the phone, face time and zoom with her daily. That has become usual for us during this time, because she is living solo in an apartment and in a new community. I've been missing her a lot - but not nearly as much as when she left home for travels after last Christmas. In 2019, we spent nearly 6 weeks together - the longest stretch since she was in high school. I got used to her being part of our daily life. I've come to realize that missing my daughter is an ordinary part of life - not just during COVID times. But it seems a bit more pronounced these days because we don't have a "choice" to visit. I better understand as a middle aged adult what my mother felt when I moved away from home many years ago. We grew up in Alaska and I was the only child to "leave to the lower 48." While we visited often, Mom knew we'd never live close again. That must have meant a special kind of loss for her - a quiet form of grieving the passing of our regular time together. Zoom, texting, and cell phones have made the distance much smaller. But I cannot be there for Mom or my daughter to help when they do not feel well. Mom got COVID-19 five weeks ago - and while we were all afraid she may get pneumonia, she fared okay at home. Her main symptoms post-COVID are dizziness, shortness of breath, and tiredness. We are grateful it wasn't worse. And, we hope that there are not invisible effects that will appear later. This photo - to close - is of a patchwork stocking I made in the weeks before Christmas. Our daughter "zoomed" with us as she opened her gifts -- 2020 Christmas was one of a handful I'll never forget. One passed in Northwest China when she was a toddler and we had a paper tree with paper ornaments on the wall. Another where my father was very sick from cancer and yet he rode the snow machine out to get the tree. And another when I did not go home and my father would pass days later. Among those years which stand out were many beautiful holidays spent either in Alaska or our home in the Lower 48 with family and friends. This year's was sad and sweet and beautiful.
January 5, 2021
The pandemic stopped me from repatriating to Canada. I began that process three years ago. I did leave California as a climate refugee and am living with my niece. I am so grateful I have this option. But now my cousin is really sick with three known cancers and I need to get to Montreal to help her. The Canadian government website has a lot of general information but the robot responses do not cover specific details. For instance, I am returning to Montreal in July. I have been fully vaccinated and if I need to quarantine son be it. BUT, my niece is driving the U-Haul with me and I need to know if she can come in for a few days to help me (I'm 71). Of course there is no one to answer that question. Moving is such an ordeal, more so at my age. And that much more in a pandemic, AND crossing an international border too! Yes, I am suffering from stress more than anything.
May 8, 2021