This week was Mom’s birthday. Though she’s no longer here I often feel her presence. I decided to celebrate with a quick round of “Happy Birthday to you...” and made a wish and blew out the candle as her proxy on the special day. I took this picture to share with my sister and to see how she might have marked the occasion. When I looked at the picture I was struck by the impermanence of our presence here on earth, and how many spirits may be with us, or not... the candle reflection is there, but not the shadow of the flame. Isn’t a shadow supposed to be one of life’s given? The constant threat of Covid, and the unknown seemed particularly poignant in that flame and missing shadow. It left me questioning all kinds of things like what’s real? Can you trust your eyes? Can you trust pictures? What else do we think should be a certain way and isn’t? How long will Covid last? When will I feel safe again! Will I ever feel safe again? And yet there’s an element of comfort here as well. That is that I can stand alone and burn brightly knowing she’s there, even though I can no longer “see” her. Maybe it’s the “shadow of doubt” that’s missing? Maybe it’s a sign she’s still with me? I hope all those who have lost loved ones may also see themselves burn bright without a shadow of doubt, and find comfort in the possibility they are still here and watching over us.
December 31, 2020
I hate COVID. I am back to being scared and angry again. The UK lifted the social distancing at the same time cases are rising and parties are happening and track and trace is going crazy. Someone told me that they went to a party hosted by an Embassy and it was as if COVID didn't exist anymore. No masks. No distancing. And getting 'pinged' was normal -- the ambassador in the end was unable to attend because of that. And here I am in the heat, wearing a mask when I am close to people and when I go into any store. I am watching the news and fearful again about my family catching the Delta variant, as some are vulnerable. I am scared for myself as someone who wants to also get pregnant. I am scared for humanity in general. I know the last two years have been hard, they have been hard for me too. But I also want to be safe. I also don't want to worry about my family. I want to be able to see them....
July 23, 2021