Have gained weight and more signs of mental health symptoms from stress. Will cancel NYT subscription because too stressed to even reach list of articles in daily digital edition. Not worth the money. Will still receive free newsletters on specific topics. Not watching news At All. Too stressful. Even when read article supposed to be uplifting have immediate thoughts focusing on possible or real negative aspects of news. Friend sent me link to video showing snow leopard doing incredible acrobatics while playing with big ball in enclosure. Beautiful animal doing incredible physical movements but I only felt like crying because it was only alive and healthy because it was in zoo, imprisoned. News is always depressing. More and more mass shootings and bombings. More species of plants and animals vanishing because of loss of habitat and climate change. More Black deaths due to police fuckups or uncaring is firing up BLM movement again. Avoiding stress to defend my mental and physical health is sensible. But it does go to extremes and leaves me trapped in my home with few things to entertain or occupy me. Not much pleasure in my life right now. Aromatherapy is working. Strong scents of lilac, lavender and orange help me cope. I’m sleeping Much better even though I’m not exercising or going outside much. I want/need to start walking outside again. Using walking sticks/trekking poles is moving meditation for me. Very relaxing and enjoyable. I take photos like the one I uploaded. Very enjoyable to find subjects, take several photos of each, edit at home until find version I like best. Helps me feel good about myself and be aware there are beautiful things in the world close by to my home. I also enjoy meeting and briefly chatting with other walkers. I feel better after writing this.
April 26, 2021
I'm not sure what made this week different from last week. All the days blur together and I've lost track of time... I did go to the beach on Sunday and that was really fun. Felt nice to be outdoors and swim in the ocean. But one really annoying thing is that on my way home there were two girls on the subway who didn't have masks on. When I asked them why they didn't have masks, they got really annoyed with me and started to insult me. I felt horrible and helpless. I didn't know what to do. Everyone else just stood around silent. I wanted to cry, but didn't. I got up and moved to another area of the train, and I could hear the two girls boasting that they had won and that I was just a stupid nag. I felt awful.
July 31, 2020