hey researchers i hope you guys are enjoying the memes. i honestly don’t know what the social restrictions are where i live right know. obviously i know there aren’t supposed to be big crowds anywhere and we’re supposed to wear masks but i don’t know any of the numerical limits for indoor and outdoor gatherings. i honestly don’t remember if we’re on lockdown right know. it’s too difficult to keep track. for me the problem isn’t legal restrictions as much as it’s my parents. i’m only allowed to hangout with my friends outside which is hard because it’s february and it’s 0 degrees and snowing. not being able to see my friends freely is really taking a toll on me more than anything else. i don’t care about masks or whether we can dine indoors or go back to school. i just want to see my friends so badly. it’s not the same online. texting/snapping is awkward, and calling is awkward, and facetiming is awkward. i end up isolating myself because it’s too hard to keep in contact with people. it’s so hard to answer texts and snapchat’s. i feel like an awful friend too. this is probably an important point in my life for social development but instead i’m just isolating myself. i know everyone’s teenage years suck but at least everyone else’s didn’t suck this badly. i feel like the most marked example of teenage isolation is the rise of fiction and escapism. almost all of my friends have found some media they use as a way to cope. don’t judge me for this one but right now it’s Taylor Swift and Glee (I KNOW IM SORRY). but i think i’m becoming so wrapped up in my own fantasy world i’m letting my real life slip. i feel like everything is slipping through my fingers. i just want to see my friends
February 17, 2021
I can’t stop thinking about the week before the shutdown. I was so overwhelmed - I’d taken on way too many projects, having said “yes” to everything, and it had come back to me in the ass. I was in performances for one show and rehearsals for two others, preparing for a concert in LA, taking on more and more classes and voice students, and I knew I wouldn’t have a day to myself until mid-summer. I told my mother one day, in late February, “I wish everything would just... pause.” I just wanted the entire world to take a breather, so that I could too. I was going mad with stress. I wanted it all to just stop. And a week later, it did. First, I learned that one show would not be continuing after the first weekend of performances. The next day, two other shows were cancelled. My obligations and commitments dropped like dominoes, one after the other. And I felt a deep grief for each cancellation, almost like mourning. I didn’t get to hug my students goodbye. It seemed like it all happened so fast. And it felt like I’d wished on a monkey’s paw. Five months later, I’ve done more than I thought I would. But I still miss live theatre more than anything. I’m feeling restless to start again. The world’s been stopped for too long.
August 6, 2020