I found this spider living in a water tub quite happy by itself and I think there’s a number of people that would be more than happy with that existence. The preppers are certainly calling for it - prepare for the inevitable collapse, and hunker down. Close your curtains and go to your safe room. Certain talk shows are fomenting it and gleefully stirring the pot. So that thread Is a constant under current running through a part of our community. It’s available on the social media platform of your choice 24/7. So I avoid the TV news and try to avoid the panic as well, but is that being foolish? A brief glance at the local paper touts CT doing well, and Phase 3 openings coming. Are things opening because we know more and things are under control or because we have Covid fatigue and are willing to risk more? I ventured out shopping for supplies today. First stop was paint store for stain for deck maintenance. That makes it feel like we plan to still be around next year. The staff was helpful wore their masks and task completed. I did notice that as soon as I left the store masks came off when it was just the staff together ... i guess that’s a pod? Then l noticed 5 people in line at an Urgent Care center offering Covid tests. I know some have to go every 10 days for testing so it’s helpful to have convenient places to go and people were distancing but there was a hint of anxiety in the air there, a bit like a lottery line when the jack pot gets big. Then to the grocery store which was packed... more people than I’ve seen in months. People were milling about and I saw conversations in aisles as people passed - Not out of fear or how dare you invade my space, but with determination and purpose, a nod , a quick pass, not In panic and it almost felt like the good old days only people were wearing masks. But then an invite from a friend for a visit and my husband very concerned with where have they been, will they mask, how do we social distance, and we usually have a meal when we get together so how do we accommodate that?. Do we continue to just say no, continuing to prioritize physical over emotional and social needs... Not easy trying to find the balance these days... it was almost easier earlier when there were no decisions to be made... lock down eliminated options.
September 27, 2020
Future? What future? My "plan," which wasn't really a plan but simply living my life was to continue working 12 hours a week at a job I love. My "plan" was for my daughter to attend school in school without a deadly virus killing hundreds of thousands of people. My "plan" was for my husband to work at his office, not from home. My "plan" was to continue seeing my therapist four times per week, in her office, not via zoom as I have for the past 5 months. My "plan" was not for my anxiety to increase to a point where I have anxiety attacks and panic attacks with intense worry I will never see my therapist in person again. The train tracks next to the ocean represents a danger too great for a human to have to navigate. Can you hear the train coming? Can you stand back and wait or do you go for it and jump across, closer to the sea? I'm at the point now where I am jumping over those tracks with all of my might, unsure how close I'll be to the ocean, unsure if there is more possible danger there. I will decide my future with whatever power I have. I will control MY PLAN, and fight like hell for my future, my life.
August 24, 2020