I’m now in my late 50s. My mother often used to say, “it’s later than you think.“ I never doubted that statement, but living through the pandemic has turned my thoughts to my mortality and to that of my loved ones— and to trying to live each day with an awareness of what matters most to me. I don’t take for granted that I, or anyone I love, has any guarantee of life. At the beginning of the pandemic I was filled with such anxiety that it took me hours to fall asleep at night, I awakened throughout the night, and suffered from insomnia. I have type 1 diabetes, and persons with diabetes are at a greater risk for hospitalization, COVID-19 related complications and death from the virus. I haven’t been to the grocery store or any other nonessential public place in a year. I have only had a few essential medical appointments in person, one medical procedure, and two lab appointments for blood tests. I began to meditate in the spring of 2020 and now meditate at least twice daily; the practice has helped me greatly. I also begin and end most days with a prayer, something I rarely, if ever, did before the pandemic. My husband and I have two daughters in their 20s, each living in urban environments hours away from us. I try hard not to worry too much about their health risks as they navigate work and school, but that has been a challenge.I’m learning to let go of the illusion of control.
February 18, 2021
I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and my parents live 500 miles away in San Diego. I haven't seen them since last February. Next weekend we are going to Southern California for spring break and I am so eager to see them! The CDC says that it's safe for us to be together in the same household, and even though travel isn't recommended, we are driving and only plan to stop to use the restroom and get gas so it feels pretty safe. I've started collecting the things I want to take with me, and pulled out our zoo membership cards earlier today to book appointments for our visit. It's one of my favorite places and imagining myself walking the beautiful grounds and visiting the elephants made me teary. I can't believe that some "before" things are coming soon.
March 28, 2021