I made this angel over 20 years ago. It tops our tree every year, even though we have a much less horrifying angel and a star. My mom always insisted we put it up, because she thinks it's cute since I made it. I think it's high-key terrifying. Her eyes follow you. I always fought my mom over putting her up, except this year. I used to decorate the house, but this year I was asked not to come home until Christmas (and to wait to see if coming home for Christmas is something my family is comfortable with). So my mom decorated. And when she sent me a picture of the scary angel, for the first time I thought it was sweet. All our ornaments are stuff we made as kids, or momentos-- things like that-- but the angel feels different. It feels like I didn't miss as much, like I'm there somehow. I'm hoping my parents will let me make the 45 minute journey to their home for Christmas this year, but I understand if they don't. I've gotten two covid tests so far and I'm planning on two more, but tests aren't perfect and I can't control their comfort level, and I don't want to jeopardize their health. Christmas means a lot to me, but health and life mean more.
December 18, 2020
Doing a Ph.D. in a pandemic - It is difficult and frustrating to do a Ph.D. I cannot meet other students. I cannot attend conferences. To say that at one point, the world is on my fingertip, and yet it is so distant. I can't wait for this to be over. I can't wait for the smell of good coffee and the sound of the crowd in a coffee-shop. I can't wait for face to face discussions. How do we make sense of this lost time? What do we do in the meantime, while we wait for the world to get back to normal. At one point, these concerns are elitist and trivial and at another point, the amount that my time has been wasted in trying to stay on top of things, not lose balance, keep rethinking research questions in a possible pre-covid scenario or a possible post-covid one also seems difficult. How do I cope with the lost crucial time? How do I make sense of it? Each day, I stare at the computer and lose the time to interact, I lose the time to actually learn. I try to make sense of the non-verbal cues on the internet. And yet, what are the positives of this? I don't know. Is there any positive side to this that I am missing. Access to talks of course. But they are always there on the internet. What do I do with them? But surely, there must be something positive in not traveling, working from home, etc. Maybe that is a post for another day. A day on which I mark myself to be more positive or hopeful for the future.Until then, yes doing a Ph.D in the middle of the pandemic just sucks. Absolutely sucks!
November 18, 2020