Again I find myself in the solitude of the farm and wondering. I love the light at sunset this time year and in the craziness leading up to the election it seemed especially peaceful to be an observer at this moment. A cow with no worries gently grazing as the last gasp of sunshine fades. The cloudy gray sky hints at the weather change coming, as it will despite the spike in the number of cases, despite our wanting it to be over, despite wanting an effective cure, despite wanting an effective vaccine, despite wanting to be able to hug friends and family again, despite wondering if this trip to the grocery store will prove fatal, despite wondering if conspiracy theories could be true, despite wondering if someone I care about may succumb, despite not being ready for snow and cold, despite trying to figure out where the summer went and why autumn flew by...despite wondering why this year is so not what I expected it to be... and yet, there is a stillness, and a beauty, and a sense of calm, and a feeling of serenity as I lean on the fence and watch the shadows lengthen.
November 4, 2020
I have to be honest, I'm not sure what to write this week. I don't feel anything. I can't recognize or access them this week. I just move from one thing to the next. I spend the time between zoning out, doing nothing. I'm not sure that's necessarily pandemic related. I know I'm nervous about the rising rates on some level, but I don't feel it tangibly, on the surface. I'm just so tired. The pandemic certainly isn't helping, there's nothing that breaks up my day besides meetings, which I actually have now that works picked up and I'm the only employee left to do any work. I just want to hibernate until this is over.
November 18, 2020