Absolutely gorgeous flowers. Gorgeous. Given COVID, we're not having a service, and it's winter and I certainly don't want to even go get a drink inside, much less have dinner with a friend. So I guess there's nothing else to do but for people to send flowers. The house has become a funeral parlor of flower arrangements. And, I have to say, having a "send flowers" mentality myself, it's made me rethink what to do for people who are grieving. While the flowers are beautiful, and thoughtful and truly mean a lot to receive, after the 8th arrangement arrived, I almost cried because I couldn't take it any more. I was internally screaming "please stop," then kicking myself for being irritated instead of thankful that I have people who love me and want to send their condolences. I wasn't sure at first if it was the amount, and not having any more space for them, as they kept coming, particularly because the house's free spaces were occupied by Christmas decorations. But then I realized what was getting me down.Having flowers is something I actually LOVE, and it's the reason I've transformed are yard into vast perennial and annual cutting gardens. But in my grief (and clearly off the charts irritability) they represented something else I had to nurture, another reason I couldn't just let things go and grieve. I was in the middle of selling my other house, loads of details, I am the primary cook, shopper, cleaner, list maker, accountant and property manager for this house. When things arrived that I had to tend to, it was just too much. For chrissakes I lost control of details for a single day and I got a late fee on my credit card. It was due the 18th and mom died the 17th. I let things go FOR A DAY and I'm nearly $100 in the hole because of it. That hasn't happened since I was a poor young teacher. Another thing. Flowers also die - slowly; is that the message we want to remind the grieving of? I mean, seriously. It doesn't feel like we've thought this thing through!! I can tell you, it has not been enjoyable or comforting to change water, add food, cut stems, pick out dead stuff, and, watch these gorgeous bouquets shrivel and die stem by stem. From now on, I'm sending food. This is my solemn vow to my loved ones who may experience grief in the future: will make and bring you or send you food. The grieving need crocks of pulled pork, pans of enchiladas, lasagne, cheese plates, bagels and babkas! No one wants to cook while they're grieving, so more food, fewer flowers, from here on!
January 1, 2022
From the outside I would say I appear healthy. I’m young, exercise regularly, and generally eat plant based Whole Foods, mainly fruits, vegetables, legumes, healthy fats, and whole grains. But on the inside? That’s a whole different story. And honestly that’s what’s so deceiving about diet culture. I might appear physically healthy but inside I still experience anxiety and depression. There are days I don’t want to get out of bed. Weeks, actually. I am grief-filled, easily irritable, and unsatisfied with my life. The majority of these issues (and healthier habits too) have come about because of the pandemic. I started watching a lot more wellness and lifestyle videos online and have become inspired to join the movement for intuitive eating. I’ve become inspired to love my body and exercise to show it love. But I’ve also become miserable, torn away from my friends and school life, isolated, and hopeless. It’s crazy how this pandemic has truly been the best of times and the worst of times, all in one.
November 27, 2020