I’m now in my late 50s. My mother often used to say, “it’s later than you think.“ I never doubted that statement, but living through the pandemic has turned my thoughts to my mortality and to that of my loved ones— and to trying to live each day with an awareness of what matters most to me. I don’t take for granted that I, or anyone I love, has any guarantee of life. At the beginning of the pandemic I was filled with such anxiety that it took me hours to fall asleep at night, I awakened throughout the night, and suffered from insomnia. I have type 1 diabetes, and persons with diabetes are at a greater risk for hospitalization, COVID-19 related complications and death from the virus. I haven’t been to the grocery store or any other nonessential public place in a year. I have only had a few essential medical appointments in person, one medical procedure, and two lab appointments for blood tests. I began to meditate in the spring of 2020 and now meditate at least twice daily; the practice has helped me greatly. I also begin and end most days with a prayer, something I rarely, if ever, did before the pandemic. My husband and I have two daughters in their 20s, each living in urban environments hours away from us. I try hard not to worry too much about their health risks as they navigate work and school, but that has been a challenge.I’m learning to let go of the illusion of control.
February 18, 2021
Thanks for asking - terribly! There people in my life right now struggling with, and dying from, cancer. We don’t even see friends right now because it’s just too cold and we follow Fauci very strictly. (We have the luxury to be able to and we also make safe choices - like not hugging my mom just because we want to). It’s a cold, dark winter. I wake up several times a night. Cold dry air doesn’t help but there is this underlying sense of dread in me that is always there just beneath the surface. I am afraid it will never go away because I am in my mid 40’s and “it’s all down hill from here.” I know part of that is BS but seeing more people I care about get sick is very sobering. So yeah - not sleeping which makes me crankier than usual and kind of depressed. It sucks.
February 2, 2021