This week was Mom’s birthday. Though she’s no longer here I often feel her presence. I decided to celebrate with a quick round of “Happy Birthday to you...” and made a wish and blew out the candle as her proxy on the special day. I took this picture to share with my sister and to see how she might have marked the occasion. When I looked at the picture I was struck by the impermanence of our presence here on earth, and how many spirits may be with us, or not... the candle reflection is there, but not the shadow of the flame. Isn’t a shadow supposed to be one of life’s given? The constant threat of Covid, and the unknown seemed particularly poignant in that flame and missing shadow. It left me questioning all kinds of things like what’s real? Can you trust your eyes? Can you trust pictures? What else do we think should be a certain way and isn’t? How long will Covid last? When will I feel safe again! Will I ever feel safe again? And yet there’s an element of comfort here as well. That is that I can stand alone and burn brightly knowing she’s there, even though I can no longer “see” her. Maybe it’s the “shadow of doubt” that’s missing? Maybe it’s a sign she’s still with me? I hope all those who have lost loved ones may also see themselves burn bright without a shadow of doubt, and find comfort in the possibility they are still here and watching over us.
December 31, 2020
Stressful time. Applying to a new job, hopefully it goes well. I know the climate news is bad, but I didn't expect anything different. I haven't read the report, I feel like I wouldn't be able to take it all at once. I'll learn what I need to learn soon enough, I'm sure. I've been getting a symptom I haven't had in about 10 years. It's a numbness in my leg, like a tingling. Feels more like a bug is crawling up it than actually numb. Back when it first happened, I was under a ton of stress. It ended up spreading to cover almost my entire right side. It was pretty bad - I had to watch my feet to climb stairs and had to empty my pocket completely anytime I needed something out of it because I couldn't identify anything by touch. I had scans and meetings with specialists and they couldn't find anything physically wrong with me. I ended up aggressively pushing away the things in my life that were causing me so much stress, and eventually it went away. Honestly, I don't feel THAT overwhelmed right now, but the fact that this is happening again makes me think maybe I'm more stressed than I'm willing to admit to myself.
August 13, 2021