Last week, COVID beat me down. Despite the (fleeting) joy of being fully vaccinated for over a month, the never-ending monotony, the frustration with those around me disregarding social distancing protocols and masking, and the aggravation I was feeling towards everyone being "over" COVID was a perfect combination to render me incapable of doing much of anything. For multiple days, I wasn't able to attend to my work, school, or internship duties. I was a puddle - an emotional wreck. Only instead of the full spectrum of emotions, I was stuck somewhere between "hollowed out", "mind-numbingly sad", and "furious" at all times. Instead of leaning into one of the most intense and painful depressive episodes I've ever experienced, I forced myself to move, to do things, to socializing, to exercise, or just to read a book outdoors in the sun. There's a lot of research about how impactful "doing" can be during a period of depression - how the momentum helps to "unstick" individuals who are feeling glued in a dark, hollow, sad place. Even as an aspiring therapist in a MSW program, I scoffed at the notions. Who, me? Do things to feel better when all I want to do is cry on the sofa and sleep all day? Lo and behold, it worked. Not all at once. But little by little, I could feel the full spectrum of emotions seeping back in. During a RuPaul's Drag Race themed Peloton ride, I felt a little joy and laughter. During a bubble bath, I focused on the bodily sensations I was experiencing. There was comfort, again. Over the weekend, my partner and I took our new kayak out for its maiden voyage. I was hesitant, but the giddiness came back. This never-ending pandemic isn't over, but maybe the worst is. Or maybe our resiliency as human beings will just never cease to kick in when it's most needed.
May 4, 2021
Facebook posts memories of my former life’s posts, reminders of how my life has changed. This stained glass window is @ the Chapel of the 4 chaplains at the Philadelphia Naval Yard. I attended a holiday concert there in December of 2019 with my friend L. It was quite beautiful and many singers were winners of Marion Anderson awards. A church they’d been involved with @ 18 th & Lombard (?) was sold & They’d been looking for venue. The chaplaincy was new to the naval retiree and he prayed God would help him fill the chapel with music and life beyond the military weddings it provided. It was inspiring. I’m not a church-goer, but I was one for the first quarter of my life. I was thinking today that I miss the gyms and choir and the Handel’s Messiah and the Hallelujah chorus. I wouldn’t venture into a congregation of people singing hymns @ this point in time. I can make a plan to watch a service on tv and sing along and use my cd’s of the Messiah, hymns and Carol’s and I am purchasing some holiday flowers to decorate a bit more. I’m glad I have the memory and photograph to help recall my 2019 experience there.
December 17, 2021