Last week, COVID beat me down. Despite the (fleeting) joy of being fully vaccinated for over a month, the never-ending monotony, the frustration with those around me disregarding social distancing protocols and masking, and the aggravation I was feeling towards everyone being "over" COVID was a perfect combination to render me incapable of doing much of anything. For multiple days, I wasn't able to attend to my work, school, or internship duties. I was a puddle - an emotional wreck. Only instead of the full spectrum of emotions, I was stuck somewhere between "hollowed out", "mind-numbingly sad", and "furious" at all times. Instead of leaning into one of the most intense and painful depressive episodes I've ever experienced, I forced myself to move, to do things, to socializing, to exercise, or just to read a book outdoors in the sun. There's a lot of research about how impactful "doing" can be during a period of depression - how the momentum helps to "unstick" individuals who are feeling glued in a dark, hollow, sad place. Even as an aspiring therapist in a MSW program, I scoffed at the notions. Who, me? Do things to feel better when all I want to do is cry on the sofa and sleep all day? Lo and behold, it worked. Not all at once. But little by little, I could feel the full spectrum of emotions seeping back in. During a RuPaul's Drag Race themed Peloton ride, I felt a little joy and laughter. During a bubble bath, I focused on the bodily sensations I was experiencing. There was comfort, again. Over the weekend, my partner and I took our new kayak out for its maiden voyage. I was hesitant, but the giddiness came back. This never-ending pandemic isn't over, but maybe the worst is. Or maybe our resiliency as human beings will just never cease to kick in when it's most needed.
May 4, 2021
We have to fly next week for my medical appointments and treatment. It makes me very anxious. The last time, despite masking rules, so many people were in violation. I received an email update from the CDC yesterday, stating that high quality N95 masks were available for free in my community. I went to the specified pharmacy to pick them up for next week’s trip, only to find that they are stiff, uncomfortable Made-in-China weird masks, and far, far to tight for a human head (unless you are an infant?). I literally cannot wear one of them, even for a few minutes, let alone for 5-6 hours. So the whole attempt to get them was a waste of time, unless I can figure out a way to refit the straps. They look nothing like what the CDC showed in their email/website. I question if they are even legitimate N95 filtration.
March 24, 2022