Last week, COVID beat me down. Despite the (fleeting) joy of being fully vaccinated for over a month, the never-ending monotony, the frustration with those around me disregarding social distancing protocols and masking, and the aggravation I was feeling towards everyone being "over" COVID was a perfect combination to render me incapable of doing much of anything. For multiple days, I wasn't able to attend to my work, school, or internship duties. I was a puddle - an emotional wreck. Only instead of the full spectrum of emotions, I was stuck somewhere between "hollowed out", "mind-numbingly sad", and "furious" at all times. Instead of leaning into one of the most intense and painful depressive episodes I've ever experienced, I forced myself to move, to do things, to socializing, to exercise, or just to read a book outdoors in the sun. There's a lot of research about how impactful "doing" can be during a period of depression - how the momentum helps to "unstick" individuals who are feeling glued in a dark, hollow, sad place. Even as an aspiring therapist in a MSW program, I scoffed at the notions. Who, me? Do things to feel better when all I want to do is cry on the sofa and sleep all day? Lo and behold, it worked. Not all at once. But little by little, I could feel the full spectrum of emotions seeping back in. During a RuPaul's Drag Race themed Peloton ride, I felt a little joy and laughter. During a bubble bath, I focused on the bodily sensations I was experiencing. There was comfort, again. Over the weekend, my partner and I took our new kayak out for its maiden voyage. I was hesitant, but the giddiness came back. This never-ending pandemic isn't over, but maybe the worst is. Or maybe our resiliency as human beings will just never cease to kick in when it's most needed.
May 4, 2021
Nunca he sido de muchos amigos de tener demasiada gente cerca de mí, pero los últimos días me he quedado completamente solo, sin contar a mi familia claro, que es un soporte fortísimo en mi salud mental. Sólo platico con ellos, pero con gente externa en esta última semana ha sido nula la interacción. De alguna manera me pone triste, pero sé que todos pasamos por momentos difíciles y pues cada quién tiene distintas formas de sobrellevarlo. En varias ocasiones he sido yo el que se distancía y por eso creo que es normal y que está bien a pesar de que, sinceramente, es bueno tener con quien platicar/hablar de cualquier cosa; hace esto un poco más llevadero contrale a alguien lo que nos ocurre en estos días tan atípcos. Está bien, de todo corazón creo que está bien ya que me permite valorar más mi compañía, cuestionarme, entenderme y conocerme más.
August 18, 2020